CMM scripts broker pantomime

Posted at December 21, 2013 | Categories : News

Well known for his sense of humour, CMM managing director, Graham Allen, recently contributed this seasonal piece to the NACFB newsletter:

I have only to see my first Christmas tree of the season to be reminded of my love of pantomime. The villains, the heroes, the slapstick and the sheer silliness of the entire entertainment have always been a delight – and this year I have been struck by the similarities between pantomime and my experience as a broker since 2008.

In case you are confused, the comparison starts with a pantomime horse of a regulator (Dob-in to you and me) and a genie in a magic lamp that might just be able to summon up the productivity-driven growth essential to George Osborne’s recovery plan. Regrettably, no matter how hard Mr Osborne rubs the lamp, only a whiff has appeared so far, no sign of the genie yet.

Meanwhile, brokers up and down the country have been left to attend Cinderella businesses where, if Cinders is to get to the ball at all and meet the Pransome Hince, asset finance is required for a new carriage; or finance for Jack & The Beanstalk Ltd, who wants to grow.

You see, in my pantomime, the broker is cast as a Kinigit in shinning armour, albeit a bit bloodied and battered at this point, because unfortunately whenever he or she puts in an appearance, a chorus of bankers comes on stage, led by Widow Bankie, singing “you can’t have any money, we haven’t got any money” in the ner, ner, ner, ner, ner rhythm of the school playground.

The chorus is a prompt for the Kinigit broker to venture off in search of good alternative fairies, one of which comes to mind – the magic funding circle, where a crowd huddle can produce a pot of gold.

Then there are the catch phrases – here’s a few over the past 18 months “Look behind you ….” Yep, the recession is behind us …”Oh no it isn’t …. Oh yes it is” shouted the commentators.

Of course, competition for the role of pantomime dame is always fierce, her chief characteristics being outrageous dress and a bawdy sense of humour, but I don’t have to look far to find the perfect Widow Bankie.

The same is true of her seven banker dwarves: Morose, Stingy, Grumpy, PPI (no body talks to him because of his bad behaviour) and Sneezy (who is usually in a cloud of white power, possibly because he is paid too much). That leaves just Measly because the other one has been taken in hand by the Government, Royal Bank of Somewhere or other I think it’s called, but who cares.

I could go on but you will probably be relieved if I don’t, so there are just a few questions to ask.

How is your pantomime going and how long a run do you expect? Will you be polishing up your amour for the onset of a new season? And have you got any other candidates for leading roles in this year’s pantomime? Answers on a pumpkin please.

Graham Allen